XOXO Bella
by InLuvWithMusic
Summary: "I don't really know if anyone is going to read this. To be honest I don't really care if you do. My name is Bella and I'm just going to be writing about my life. I don't have any friends to vent to so maybe this will help. Well, enjoy. I guess. "
1. Neighbors Suck

Have you ever just stared at the stars. Not just for a couple minutes but really stared at them. If you look long enough you start to see the shapes that the astronomers write about, like the snakes and the bears. They really are brilliant. So perfectly placed. It's almost as if someone put a lid over top of us and poked holes so we could catch a glimpse of what's on the other side. They all seem the same at first but I've been staring at them for so long, I'm starting to see some differences. Take the star Vega. I don't know much about it. I've heard it mentioned here or there. I think that it's one of the brightest stars but please don't quote me on that. At first glance it just seems a little bit brighter, but now that I've been looking at it for a while, and this may just be my eyes playing tricks on me, I could swear that it's the most beautiful shade of royal blue. I wish I could drag it closer and look at it in it's full glory, but wouldn't that disrupt the whole climate or something? Or is that just a myth. Either way it would be incredible. And here's the real world clashing with my imagination. My neighbors, who I've yet to learn the names of, and quite honestly have no intention of doing so, decided to come outside at two am and start bickering about who has slept with more girls, like they're fifteen year old boys in a locker room, not the fifty something year old men I assume they are. They really should try some hair dye, than the number might be higher, their looks don't seem to be getting them much as it is from the number range they were talking about. Anyways, it seems like you can't even get twenty minutes alone to yourself to enjoy nature without someone coming along and ruining it. Hell, I can't even get twenty minutes alone to myself to even read a book if everyone's awake, hence the reason why I stay up all night. It's the only time I can get some peace. You see, I live in a house of eight people, none of which I'm biologically related too, but they are my family none the less. Four kids, four adults and one and a half couples, none of which involves me. I don't think that the "fiancé" knows about the other relationship so let's just keep that between us. Long story short "his girl", if you can even call her that is having an emotional affair with his brother that lives here with us. I'm just waiting for that pot to boil over. Until it does there is just stolen glances, constant Snapchat's and car rides alone at night because she needs to do Uber Eats but can't do it alone because she "needs protection". I think it's the first time she's mentioned protection honestly since she has kids. Now this is all said in good fun though. Not to be taken seriously. Though, I do feel like that comment is going to bite me in the ass. The kids are, well, kids. Ten, four, two and one. Each one has a COMPLETELY different personality. I go from pulling my hair out one minute, to cuddling and laughing with them the next. It's an emotional roller coaster that I'm never prepared for, nor do I ever want to ride. Last but not least is me I guess. I'm an open book but to be honest I hate my past. I am where I am because I screwed up and that's all I want to talk about it right now. It's getting cold and I should probably go to bed but I'm going to watch Gossip Girl instead. Yes it's 2019. Yes I'm just watching it for the first time. Get off my back. And yes it's 2am and I'm laying in a hammock outside on the deck because, well, camping out in the backyard is a fun thing to do. It's not particularly as fun when it's only spring and it's cold as fuck. Well, I highly doubt anyone else is going to read this, and I'm writing this for me. I really don't know why. Maybe just to vent or find an outlet for my crazy life. But I'll post another blog when I feel like it. If I find anything else that's interesting to write about. See you guys later. If there even is anyone there.

XOXO Bella


	2. Fuck Having Kids

The best thing about living in a house full of kids is that they're the best form of birth control that you could ever get. I mean, who wants kids when you're around them 24/7 and all you hear is screaming and crying and the only thing in your nostrils is the scent of the fresh poop in the two year olds diaper. Anytime I get the feeling like I want to have a kid, one of them rounds the corner and I'm quickly snapped into the reality that it's most likely not for me. Kids are only great if you can give them back to their parent at the end of the day. Speaking of kids, it's far too quiet in the house right now. Here's a tip, if there are children in the house and it's quiet it means that they are either asleep or getting into stuff they aren't supposed too. Take today for instance. They stole and dumped their moms coffee, broke her bath bombs and drew on the walls with them like they were chalk. I didn't even know that you could do that. They took five literal hours to clean their room, got into the bathroom, ripped up the toilet paper, dumped out a bag of potatoes, munched on a few and flipped their mattress. Needless to say there were quite a few sore butts crying around the house. I have to keep reminding myself that it's not my problem and I'm not their parent. I don't have to run off and discipline the kids when they do something wrong, but in this house it seems like if I don't than no one will until it's too late. Take the dad of two of the kids for instance, Charlie. His kids are Temperance and Atticus. The two and one year old. The other two kids have different dads. Well, Charlie is the laziest dad/person I've ever met in his life. The kids could be running around and playing with butcher knives and he would just yell out and tell them to slow down and be careful instead of getting off his lazy ass being a responsible parent. The other day the two little ones trashed the house, triggered the alarm on the door, opened it and decided to take a walk down the street in diapers at 10am. Charlie slept through the whole thing. When Renee, "his girl", the kids mom confronted him about it he just said "it's not my fault." Like fuck it isn't Charlie. Part of me is honestly really glad that Renee is cheating on him with his brother Phil. Charlie doesn't deserve to live here, skate by and do whatever he pleases. He should move out and become a weekend dad. He'd honestly be better at it than being a full time parent. It's too much responsibility for him. I think that this is all I have for now. It feels good to get everything out of my head and onto paper. Maybe it will help me get into a better head space eventually. If anyone is reading, well, thanks I guess. I'll post again when more shit goes down and I need to vent.

XOXO Bella


	3. Liars Get Caught

The thing that irritates me the most is when people think that they are being sneaky but they really aren't. "Who's doing this?" You ask. Well Renee and Phil are. Renee and Charlie have been in a relationship for roughly two, almost three years. They have two kids together and a year ago Charlie got up the nerve to ask her to marry her and low and behold she said yes. Want to know why? Well she told me, and I quote, "I want the rest of my kids to have the same dad." ... let that sink in for a moment. She said yes to marriage... a LIFE LONG COMMITMENT... because she doesn't want people giving her shit about her kids having different dads. That's the most messed up reason for giving herself to a man. She's not only sacrificing her own happiness but the kids as well, because when the mom isn't happy no one is happy. A couple of months ago Charlie's brother Phil came to live with them. I was living at the house when he started coming around but I heard about him. Renee told me that he's a super nice guy and I was stoke that the kids had an uncle that was there all the time. They don't really have that in their lives. Shit hit the fan with me and I moved in. One thing about Renee is that she has a VERY dirty sense of humor, I mean we all do, so when she'd make comments to Phil I just assumed it was all a joke. Than she told me one night that Phil has feelings for her and it all kind of clicked in my brain. Everything started making sense. I'm every time she talks to me about it though she tells me it's one sided and that he is the only one with feelings but I know it's not true. I'm sorry but you don't tell someone that you can't live without them and it just be a one sided relationship. The biggest question is probably, does Charlie know about this. Well, I don't think he does, surprisingly. He's so absorbed with himself and his phone he can't take two seconds to realize what's going on around him. Renee is only with him right now because without him she'd lose the house she's currently renting and would have to go back to an apartment with four kids and me. Not the best option. I get that Phil is always there for her emotionally and isn't a lazy piece of shit like Charlie but when this blows up it's going to ruin the kids and everything that we have all worked hard for. To top it all off she is lying to me about the situation. Maybe she doesn't want to say it out loud because she doesn't want to admit to herself that she's a cheater. I really don't know. Even so I don't think Phil is the right man for her either. He's going back to jail, he's involved in gangs, he uses heroine, he has anger issues that he mostly has under control but when he blows up, he blows the fuck up. I guess the life lesson in this is that if you aren't happy in your current relationship don't start shopping for a new man until you're done with the one you currently have. This is something she's told me so many times but can't seem to do for herself and now it's too late. Well I guess that's all I have stored up in my head for today. I'll post again when something else is on my mind.

XOXO Bella


	4. Boiling Point

Guess what? The pot didn't just boil over, it fucking blew up, and Charlie doesn't even know about Renee and Phil. To those of you who even care, if anyone does at all, Renee called Charlie out for being a lazy piece of shit. He threw a major tantrum. I'm talking throwing the dishwasher racks, screaming and punching what he could get his hands on. Renee's kid went downstairs, put on his cop costume, came upstairs, looked Charlie in the face and said," I'm a cop. You're going to jail. When I get older I'm going to be a real cop just so I can throw you in jail because you're mean to my mom and that's not okay." I almost busted ass laughing but I didn't want to be the next recipient of a punch. Needless to say, Charlie is pretty much gone. He's spending a couple days at his friends because he "needs time to himself." Guess what, we all do. I'm sorry but in a house of, what eight people, alone time is a luxury and usually for us adults is used for either sex or masturbation. I wish I could just up and leave whenever I felt the need and just take a couple days to myself, but I can't. I have responsibilities and shit that needs to get done so I can't. On another note, Phil went to jail a couple of days ago. He violated his probation. He's an awesome guy but he fucked up when he was a kid, paid the price and he screwed up again so he went back for an undetermined amount of time. I honestly think that it will be good for him. Well, as good as prison can be for a person. It will force him into rehab, which is a needed thing for him at this point. How am I doing? Asked no one ever. I'll answer the question anyways because if I don't get this off of my chest I will most likely put it on someone else and everyone has enough on their plates as it is. I'm not doing great. I'm not doing good either. This is about to get real deep real fast just a warning. Three years ago I used cutting as a way to get myself to start to feel and to put myself in control of one thing, no matter how small. I was in control in that moment and that's all that I cared about. It's something completely unique and I don't think that you could really understand what it feels like unless you've done it yourself, but don't start doing it. It's harder than you think to stop. Back then I would do it every day like clock work. I would help out backstage at plays and before the show would start I would take my little cough drop tin with my razor and bandaids into the bathroom or a dark corner and work my magic. One day I went too wide and the cut was a lot bigger than I thought. I had this massive bandaid on my wrist and my thought process was that people are more likely to notice a bandaid than a cut so when it stopped bleeding I took it off. That night I helped a lady get dressed for a quick change and she saw the cut on my arm. She asked if I was okay. I lied and said yes. She told me that she loved me and she didn't want me to end up buried in the ground before my time. She wasn't judgmental about it in any way , shape or form. She just gave me a hug and held me for a minute. She had a show to finish so she left and when she did I started bawling. I'm not really sure why. Maybe it was because I had gotten caught or maybe it was because all I had needed all along was just someone to be in my corner. You would think that I would have stopped that night but I didn't. I would cut right behind people and they wouldn't even know, or even if they did they would never say anything about it. Fast forward to the present. Two weeks ago I had an extremely rough day. Kids were up my ass, expectations seemed way too high even though they weren't, and I felt like I was losing control of everything. I slipped back into old habits. I couldn't find anything to use so I just scraped a tack along my skin until it broke through, and ever since that night all I want to do is do it again. I want to feel that rush of adrenaline when you think that you've gone too far but you realize that you've done precisely what you meant to do. I want to feel like I'm in control of something in my life for once. I crave it. I know that it's fucked up, but it's what my brain needs to survive, almost as much as my body needs cigarettes to function without becoming a mess of emotions. Want to know how I'm doing? Well, that's it. I've relapsed. Cutting is my secret addiction and now you know. I'm not sober from it anymore. And yes, cutting is an addiction. If it weren't people wouldn't do it to themselves on a daily basis. If you have any questions feel free to ask and I'll answer. I've got a whole lot of answers. Until next time. Whenever that is.

XOXO Bella


	5. Past and Present Shouldn't Mix

Today was rough. My past is colliding with my present, not physically but mentally and I'm fucking drained. I deal with it almost every day but today has been by far the worst it's been in a while. It's been three years and I still ask myself, what if I had said no louder. What if I'd just punched him in the face, pushed him off of me and gotten my brother. It's a constant battle in my mind, and it's not one that I want to be fighting, nor should I have too. The emotional strain turns into physical and my body just wants to sleep because it's so damn drained all the time. I know I said that I didn't want to talk about my past, and I don't most of the time, but when it's on my mind throughout the day it's hard not to try to get out in some shape or form. You see, the thing with rape is that it doesn't just happen once, it happens a billion times, over and over and over in your head until it completely and utterly consumes you. Cigarettes help to zen me out. Watching movies and tv shows help me escape to a world that's not the one I'm living in. Reading helps as well. It also helps me jump into someone else's life and struggles and makes me feel like mine aren't all that bad. The only problem is that it only helps for a small amount of time and than I'm right back to where I started, suffocating on memories I'd give anything to forget. Because you're put in that headspace constantly you become paranoid that it's going to happen to you again. You slowly lose trust in people around you, even people you've known your own life like your father, mother or siblings. I guess my case doesn't help too much with losing trust in the people I was closest too because it happened to me twice. Once with my own father, the second time with the first boyfriend that I ever had. I honestly don't know why I'm telling you guys all of this. Maybe it's to vent? Maybe to help enlighten? Either way, I guess my point is, rapists deserve life in prison or their life taken from them. Also scars take time to heal. Mine may never do so. I just need to find better ways of coping. No matter what I do though, or how hard I try, I will never be able to get rid of the things that I want too the most. I just have to be okay with that. Until next time.

XOXO Bella


	6. PTSD's A Bitch

I've realized that your opinion on a subject matter has no weight in the wrong hands. Take Renee and Phil. It doesn't matter how I feel or how often I vocalize my opinions, which seem to be changing every single day, they are just going to go down this train wreck of a relationship until they kill everyone and everything in their path. The only thing that I can control right now is myself, well not even that sometimes. Lately I haven't had control over anything in my life, hence my slip up and that I wrote about. Anyways. I'm stuck on this wreck of a ride with them because I love Renee. She's like my sister. The kids call me Auntie. I can't just walk away because it's rough. She didn't walk away from me when my life got rough. She called me up, invited me into her home and put my burdens on top of her own. The least I can do it stay by her side and help her. At the same time I do need to think about myself and my own well being. I can't put off my self care to pick up the pieces of her life. Honestly it's like I'm stuck in the middle of a situation I was not ready to be a part of. Well, I am stuck in a situation I'm not ready for. It is what it is though. Fun fact of the day: I'm pretty sure I'm into my best friend and he/she has absolutely no idea. I'm pretty damn sure it's not reciprocated so I'm not going to say anything about it. I don't want to lose my best friend. I can't lose my best friend. They are, to be honest, one of the only friends I have and I will not jeopardize that. Have any of you been put in several extremely sensitive situations at one? Or is it just me. One thing I've noticed in my life is that when it rains, it pours. There's no going around it. Fun coincidence, it just stopped raining in real life. Nothing can every be cut and dry when it comes to me. I can never just have a black and white option. It's always 50 fucking shades of grey and they all stack on top of each other. Like right now. I'm feeling stressed about Renee and Phil, I haven't had a cigarette in eight hours because I accidentally left them at home. Renee and I went on a road trip today to visit Phil in jail. So, we are driving home and my PTSD starts kicking in. The last time I was driving on this road at this time of night I was on the phone with my rapist. It was a great conversation. We were laughing the whole time. It makes me sick to my stomach. Any thought of him makes my heart pound, I feel like crying, I start to panic, I can't breath. The right way to say it is that I'm on the verge of having a panic attack and when I do have one I have to be literally knocked out with medication. It's not pretty, but it works. The hardest part about being an adult is that the control you crave and search for isn't found easilyc. Majority of the time there is someone else pulling the strings and that's something you have to come to terms with. Also, chaos is the new normal. If there isn't some sort of chaos in your life than you're either blind, or you're dead. Today has been a whirlwind. I'm pretty happy to be home. I'm currently cuddling a two year old who is asleep, and I might fall asleep with him. I guess this is all I've got for now. Until next time.

XOXO Bella


	7. Addiction Is Draining

The only thing worse than being an alcoholic is being in a relationship with one. Personally, I'm not in any kind of relationship right now, but one of Charlies friends is. Their names are Alice and Jasper. Jasper is a raging alcoholic and Alice is his girlfriend that is pregnant with their first child. Alice is awesome. She's sweet, loves kids, and just wants to have a family of her own. She's starting to realize though that while she is still with Jasper, she is not going to get the happily ever after. Jasper starts drinking when the sun comes up and doesn't stop until he passes out at the end of the night. He likes to start fights with people while hes drunk, whether its verbal or physical. It just depends on his mood at the moment. He knows that he has a problem but he doesn't want to change or else he would already start taking actions to do so. You would think that because he has a kid coming, he keeps losing jobs left and right and is losing pretty much every friendship that he has that it would make him take those actions to have a better life and make things right, but he isn't. The sad thing with active addiction is that the person will never quit it for good if they are doing it for someone else. It has to be for themselves. Jasper doesn't want to change. He wants to be able to stay in the same relationship, do what he wants and never pay the price for any of his actions. Well, people will only support him for so long, and I think that he's going to realize that sooner rather than later. Part of me feels sorry for Alice because of how badly he treats her, but the other part of me doesn't. She's been with him for three years, nothing has changed and she hasn't left him. She's pretty much made her own bed to lie in at this point. Until next time.

XOXO Bella


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